pimptress666

Okay, so maybe he's not a stripper but close enough. Where the fuck to start? I have no idea. I don't even remember the last time I wrote or what it was about.

So. I went to IL, hell I even went to jail IN il...All because Emily's car fucked up...Oops.. Well, I guess the one hitter in my purse helped, oops. It took us all of about 32 (That's including the 12 hours I spent in jail) to get there. Car troubles made it a LONG trip. When I got there we pretty much just got cleaned up and then went and picked up Troy (This girl I work withs ex boyfriend). Me, Emily, and Kenny stayed at his house that night. After that I pretty much spent every waking moment with him, and the times I was sleeping he was right next to me. It was amazing, but now that im back here it hurts. alot. Its weird how close you can get with someone and their family within such a short period of time. But I guess thats what happens when your with someone 24/7 for a week. I wanna be with him, and he wants to be with me, but the 556 miles between us kind of put a stop to that. He's coming up here as soon as he can, and I plan on going back there to see him. I like it there, and I like him and his family.. Its weird, but I guess everything happens for a reason. Now Angela wants to kick my ass, but that doesn't bother me much. Id on't get the point of wanting to kick my ass when she has a boyfriend, specially since her boyfriend is Keith. I'm over it, and now it's her turn to get over it. They can have each other, now she just needs to get over it and realize she has nothing to do with anything thats happened/happening with Troy and I. <3 He's amazing. I just wish he was amazing here... Bah.. Soon..soon.. <3... Ohhh..Funny stuff... I missed like 5 or 6 days of work, I was stuck in IL, and I STILL didn't loose my job.. How fuckin awesome.. Welp, its time to go to bed.. Its 4 something in the morning and I just got off work so im tired.. Ill try and update soon.. Leave me some love
<3Sushi.

Tonight will be the first night i've actually stayed at my house in three day. My life has been pretty busy ever since new years. Its kinda weird, yet nice at the same time. I like not having time to be bored. I like always doing things, even if its not even really nothing at all. I stayed at Keith's thursday. Meep. Good stuff. I like not sleeping alone. Apparently I snore though, ooops. I stayed at Angela's lastnight with Emily. We got seriously fucked up. I'd never been so drunk I vomited untill lastnight. I was in mid-conversation with Dustin when I had to go vomit. How nasty. I'm suprised he didn't get up and leave. Oops. Emily and I also flashed the pizza guy. Haha, i'd never ever normally do that. :P

So. My Mom told my Dad that I smoke, drink, and stay the night with boys (Boys being Keith). My dad had no idea about any of this. Its a weird feeling, but kind of a weight off my shoulders. Apparently i'm moving within the next two months. Where? I don't know. With who? I haven't a clue. Either going back out to my parents house or getting an apartment with Emily. Hopefully the Emily thing, I really don't want to move back with my parents. Its not anything to do with them, I just don't like being away from everything. There i'm away from EVERYTHING. I hate it, and i'm afraid i'll end up like I was. I'm finally semi ok, I don't have time to be depressed, and there I do. I'm just scared of what will happen I guess. I'm scared of never leaving. I'm scared of not being able to save my money. I'm scared of turning back the way I was. Gah, I just have so many things on my mind right now. I don't even know what to do anymore. Bah, well I guess this is goodbye. <3
Sushi.

So. Lastnight I was sitting at work. Bobby was there, and everyone was going on and asking me why I didn't want to date him. Bah bah bah. Then they walked away and he ask me why I didn't wanna be with him. I have no answer for it. Because i'm dumbass? I just don't like him I guess. Arg..

The other day someone came through drive thru and ask what the chances of me and him "Getting Naked TOgether Tonight" were.. It was so retarded..

Haha. Funniest thing evvver happened the other day. Omg. Jeremy is a nutjob. End of story. So Emily ask Jeremy if it was true that if you don't use it you lose it. Apparently this set him off big time. After he left he came back up to taco bell that night. He ask to talk to her, and I didn't want her to die so I went out there with her. He looked at me and said he didnt wanna talk to me. I said I didn't care. He said he didn't give a fuck about me, and that I was a loser bitch. (I almost died laughing at this point).. So after being a dickweed to Emily and I for a second Emily and I come inside. He ends up telling Kim Stebbins that "His plumbing downstairs does work and i'm going to be sorry". I was standing there and he ask me how it wasn't going with Keith. I just laughed and said I get it more then you do. Then Keith came out there and told him to stop and bah bah bah.. He was like yeah Keith protect her.. The whole thing was pretty amusing if I do say so myself. Aside from the fact that he scared me, it was funny.. I didn't even start it, how funny..

O M G SHOOT ME!
David: word to ur mother
Meh!!: sometimes i wanna hit u..
David: I miss your sarcastic ass sometimes myself
David: =)
Meh!!: I didnt say I missed you
Meh!!: I said I wanna hit you

So. Life is shitty. Ever since new years it seems like its not stopped. I've barely been home, and barely slept. That's my fault, but it feels like i've been working alot too. Hmm. I'm seriously broke and I don't get paid for another 2 days. gah. I miss money:(

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I wish so fucking bad that I had the guts to slit my wrist and bleed to death... Oh my god..
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I want to say i'm happy, but i'm not.

I want to say its not my fault, but it is.

I want to say I love my life, but I don't.

I want to say I love you, but I don't

The past three days have been fucked up and awesome at the same time. I'll never understand any of it, but everything happens for a reason.. I guess.. I believe that, but sometimes I don't know.

New years sure started out the right way. I got fucked up and fucked and all of the stuff you're supposed to do.

I wanna be something more, but i'm not sure what that is. I want things to be easier, but they wont. Emily n I were talking about getting a place together. When? I Don't know. After I get some shit straight. Yanno, when I can drive and stuff. Everyday gets closer to the end though.. Hmm, I should get my shit straight. So. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I haven't a clue. I was at Keith's a few weeks ago and we were sitting on his bed talking about life. He ask me what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go with it. I honestly have no idea, and I felt like shit 'cause I didn't have an answer. It could be because I was fucked and couldn't think, but probably not. I just sit here n let life pass me by, it's getting annoying. Its all me though. How sad...

So. Lastnight at like 12 a million people called me. (Ok, maybe not a million maybe just like 5)... Finally after ignoring them taco bell called and i wanted to know who it was. Keith, he wanted me to come stay the night. I didn't, but if I would have been more.. alive.. I probably would have.. Honestly I have no idea why I keep going back, but I do. He's Keith. I don't know. Grrs. He was supposed to call me today, but ofcourse that never happened. Oh well... Emily is coming to stay with me tonight. Travis and his girlfriend are supposed to come over when they get back from Cookeville. I can't wait to meet her. How special. Bah

This has been a pointless entry. Bye

<3Sushi..

Life is too much sometimes. Maybe i'm too much. (My personality thank you very much).. I don't know what to do.. I'm stuck.. I'm fucked.. I feel so helpless. I can only help myself. Thats the only way to get out of this. I use to have so much power over myself, and now I feel as if its pointless. Its not easy, but everyone else does it. Why can't I? Why can't I just be normal.. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should hold it inside and stop being who I am.. But that's not me.. Thats not who I am.. I've never let life bring me down like this before.. It just hurts so bad sometimes.. Lastnight when I came out of work I almost cried on the way to the car.. It wasn't even work that hurt.. It was what was in there, it was thought running through my mind.. I just can't do it.. Something has to fucking give.. I just want to run away.. I want something new.. I want all my memorys to fade.. I want the hurt to stop.. How much longer can I take it?

My tongue hurts. Its swollen. I guess thats what you get when you pay a guy to stick a needle through your tongue though huh? Yea. A new peircing. How special. My nipples are next. As weird as anyone thinks that is, I don't give a flying fuck. Wee..

After we got our tongues peirced we went to Cookeville. Berlinda somehow managed to get me to buy clothes.. Like clothes that arent black.. Like blue jeans and a pink shirt. Wow. How fucked up? Yes. Its okay I guess, but I doubt i'll be wearing it much. Maybe. Who knows.

I have to work tonight. 4pm-11pm, then tomorrow 11am-9pm, then sunday 5pm-10pm, then monday 7am-11am. Wow this should be fun. Arg. If I had time I could shoot myself in the face, but I don't. How sad.
Break me.
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I feel so.. screwed up.. I mean.. Why do things have to be like they are? Why can't I just figure things out.. Why can't I just stick to a plan.. And actually.. Well stick to it? I don't get it.. Why can't I forget about myself for once.. I'm selfish.. I want things to be perfect..Obviously thats not the way life goes.. I just have to get over it..

I'm not mad.. Because I have no right to be.. I'm not so much hurt as I am disapointed.. I have no right to be mad because I did the exact same thing.. But it was different.. I'm not saying for a second that I should have did it.. Because I shouldn't have.. I regret it.. I wish I could take it back but I can't.. Maybe in a way what I did was worse.. Its just.. Why her? Why? She's such a .. slut.. a whore.. a nasty bitch.. I hate everything about her.. It honestly has nothing to do with this.. She's just a backstabbing slut.. She talks about her bestfriend.. The girl she lives with.. The girl that does Everything for her.. behind her back.. She tells me all these weird terrible things about him that happened behind closed doors Aloong time ago.. Thats not right.. In anyway at all..Why? Oh my god why..

I've become more honest lately. Mostly towards her.. It amuses me how stupid she is.. How much she doesn't think.. Today she told my friend that she was fat.. Ok she only weights probably 20lbs more then my friend.. She tld her that she was ugly.. Hello bitch.. Come on look at yourself.. Then said she wasn't ugly.. Maybe she didn't use to be.. But things change.. I personally don't think beauty it on the outside.. She sure as fuck has No beauty. None. How can someone be a decent human being when they are pregant and can't figure out who the Daddy is.. Who is so nasty towards people.. Who only care about them.. Who go from one guy to another saying how much they love this guy and that guy.. Love isn't that easy..

I just hate it. Everytthing. It makes me sick to my stomach.. Its just wrong.. *sighs*..
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I really wanna shoot myself in the face right now. I feel so.. fucked up.. Omg.. Why do things have to be so fucking hard? Work tomorrow will be pure torture. Oh my fucking god.. It's going to suck..*sighs*
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So. There is a towel on my head and multi-colored poke-a-dots on my black and pink panties.
I've worked a whole bunch lately. A whole whole bunch. Money makes me happy though. I'm thinking about getting a second job. I haven't decided yet. If I did it would have to only be a couple days a week on certain days. That might be too hard to figure out though. Hmm.

I went cruising with Amber, Berlinda, and Brittany the other day. That was awesome. Not because cruising is awesome but because they are awesome. Amber dislikes me because of stuff that I can't take back. Oops? What is a girl to do. I can't change it. Everything happens for a reason, right? Yes. I like her though and I guess the fact that she doesn't HATE me over it is whats important. O well.

I'm going to see my Momma in a few hours. I miss her. Tons and Tons and Tons. :)

I had a dream about this person the other day.. I don't really even remember it but now they seem to be hiding in the back of my mind constantly.. Arg.. I hate that..

Keith called me while I was at work yesterday. He wanted me to come over after work. Hmm. I told him he was mean and he was like well call me when u get off if u want. He didn't answer when I called. Oops. He deserves it tho. He is mean. All guys are mean. I think its safe to say that's over. Oops.

I try to convince myself that everything happens for a reason. That they all come back. I hope they all come back. Shit monkey. Bye
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..... After working from 7am-10:30pm yesterday.. I wake up from 5 fucking hours of sleep and can't sleep anymore.. I'm gunna die from lack of rest.. Grr.. So my life is shitty to put it Lightly... The only thing good about my life is the few good friends I have.. I sat outside taco bell for like an hour lastnight with Brittany just talking about things.. Guys mostly.. How annoying they are, and how much sense they Dont make.. I'm pretty sure Keith got pissed/upset with me lastnight.. What's new.. Like that was going to go anywhere anyway.. I do stupid things, it's just what I do.. I can't help it, but it's not like he cared anymore.. I'd imagine atleast.. Who fucking knows.. My parents should be coming over in a few hours.. Happy happy.. I miss my Mommy n Dad.. :)... Hmm, well heres a poem I wrote.. I don't gots anything else to say.. <3
Kimberly


Everyone leaves me, just let me go,
So far away, so fucking cold,
I feel at peace, sleeping it away,
I feel the release, in the bed I lay,
The scars the pain, inside you see,
The hurt the tears, all of me.

Alone again, alone at last,
From all the things you've done in the past,
Destroyed inside, leave me here,
Alone again, living is my fear,
I'm destroyed inside, i'm alone again,
Everyone leaves me in the end.

Cut me, make me bleed,
Destroy me again, thats all i need,
Where do I go, how do I live,
I can't hurt anymore, I can't give,
Blood and tears, screams and cries,
Sooner or later, everyone dies.



Opinions please. :)

I feel insane. I'm losing control of myself. Haha. This will be fun. Wow, it really makes me wonder.. What the fuck is doing this to me.. I feel so uncaring.. I honestly don't give a shit about anything anymore.. My life is shit so why should I? Lovely.

Lastnight a guy named Bobby gave me a little teddy bear and said I was all kinds of fine and got upset everytime my ass wasn't in his eye veiw. Haha how funny. Guys are retards.

I went to Keiths today. How special I think. Oh well. Lots of cuddles and fun sex is always a good thing. I don't even care anymore, I should.. But I don't. Josh (Keith's room mate who I also work with) kept askin me out lastnight.. Thats wrong in a whole bunch of ways.. He doesn't get that though.. Even if he wasn't Keith's roommate.. or I had no connection with Keith I wouldn't date him.. Hmm maybe I should tell him that..

Arg.. In fucking sane..
</3 break me...

annnnnnnnd tried to eat my anti depressants..
oops?

I've never in my entire left felt as alone as I do right now. I've never felt like there was no one there, i've never felt like I had no way out as much as I do now. I have nothing more, there is no where to run anymore. I can't do it. I can't fucking do it. I just wanna go where there is no one.. I just wanna get out of this fucked up thing i call my life...

Wow. Wish you were here by Pink Floyd is my new obsession. Why? I dunno, it just strikes me as amazing.. A'fucking'mazing actually.

Things in my life are shitty, alittle more shitty then usual though. I don't really even know why, i'm just really frustrated. I guess it happens. Things seem to be going pretty well with Keith. He called me earlier just to say sorry for not calling earlier. Thats sweet. Way way sweet. I really hope he gets his job back.. That would be majorly pimp. I actually work friday night and saturday night. Well, 11-9. Wee. Gotta love it. I totally got way way way cool pants in Knoxville this weekend. Oh so pretty. Way pretty. G'night kiddies. <3<3<3
Welp. THats all children, byee.
<3Sushi.

Meep. Good times, good times. So, today was one of the better days i've had. Lots of lovins, Monoply, free taco's, dying of the hair, how could that not be an awesome day? My hair is totally black now. How special.

Wee. I think this is my first entry since Keith. I like him. Alot. So much drama comes with that though, but who cares right? Drama follows me. I like him, he likes me, that's all that matters, right? Its so.. Amazing.. So why should I care? I walked into taco bell earlier and Keith walks up to the counter to talk to me.. His ex girlfriend and this other girl are standing at the drive thru window wispering to each other.. Then looks at me and Keith.. Then turns away and carrys on with their conversation.. How wonderful.. How immature.. How sad and pathetic of her.. Honestly, she's a pathetic excuse for a human being, but I pitty her.. I shouldn't, but I do. Its her fault she's a slut, it's her fault she cheated on him, it's her fault she treated him like shit, it's her fault she doesn't know who's the daddy of her unborn child.... What am I supposed to do? Not start anything with him when its clear we both liked each other just because she can't get over him because he don't want her shit anymore? How annoying. I don't need it, but i'll take it.<3

So. I dunno what else to say. What is a girl to do?:)
<3Kimberly

There is this guy at work.. He's one of those guys that sit back and act like that pay no attention to you and don't know whats going on.. But really its completely different.. He makes me think.. I think I like that.. Its so strange.. I think.. Oh I dunno.. -sighs-...

I totally got paid yesterday. I have 2$ left. Wow, how special. I some how managed to get 39 hours in four days with only working one 10 hour shift. How? I dunno. I wasn't even clocked in for an hour one day. I got a raise too. Only 10 cents, but hey thats better then nothing.. I got more then almost anyone there. Wee. How special. We had a meeting the other day and I got a hat that only special people got. Hell yeah. How fucking special. Gotta love it.

I would really enjoy some good koRn right now but I can't fucking find my cd case. Its very displeasing. *sighs*

Tosh and I were talking about sex earlier and how it should mean something. I mean, sure.. Sex is great, but really what do you feel after? Nothing, unless its a bad feeling.. I mean come on, its pointless. I really don't even like the thought of it at the moment, it makes me sad. Even kissing, I mean.. I've only kissed.. *thinks*.. probably 4 people where it actually meant something to me.. That is the greatest feeling in the world, but if it means nothing then its pointless.. Everything, I hate it. I fucking hate it.
...I feel so arg..tonight..
*sighs*...
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I was at work today and everytime I heard the radio the same song was on, it seemed the radio would fade out of my ear when it went off, and untill it would play again. It was rather strange, then on the way back home I had the song stuck in my head.. So I turned the radio on, the lyrics playing in my head stopped as I turned the radio on and they continued on the radio just where they left off on my head. How freakin weird.. It was exactly where it left off in my head.. That makes me sound crazy.. Wow.

Well. I've worked my ass off the last few days, and pleased about it I am. I started back work friday night, time ends tuesday and i'll probably get 35 hours, give or take an hour or so. Wee. I can't get anymore then 40 hours and I usually get 40 hours in an entire week so its good stuff.

So. I'm in serious need of hours and money. I have to buy a fucking bed now. Mine is broken, I didn't do it.. grr.. I still have to sleep on it though.. Grr. Tosh just got a new bed, its a king.. So we went back to the place she got hers at and ask about hwo much a decent full would cost.. The guy tells me between two hundred and two fifty.. I'm like ok I can do that soon.. I see a bed i'd like and ask him how much and the fucker says it'll end up bein a little over 400.. Toshya's was like 380 for a king.. Stupid fucker..

I worked 7am-2pm, then 5:30pm-10:30pm yesterday.. Then went back at 9am today.. Wee... I get to work with Berlinda tomorrow.. totally awesome.

Ah. Bed time. <3

I was just reading old entrys. I do that when I think too much. It makes me sad. I wish I did things different, or people didn't make me feel things so easly. I guess if I could have things my way that wouldn't be life though. I feel so strange now. I don't feel complete. I hate how I always screw things up and leave them unfinished so I can't move on. I feel like i've changed alot in the past few months, on what I want really. I just wish I knew then. Maybe things would be easier now, or maybe not. I cared, I was just too blind to let myself see it.

  So, we're supposed to go see my Mom today. I miss her. She has Danny. Wee. I <3 that little cutie. He's so adorable. I see too much of John in him though, lol. He's still cute 'cause he's Sher's tho. I will hopefully get to go back to work in a few days. I can't wait for that. I totally miss it for some strange reason. Ofcourse the lacking of money is getting shitty too. My next check will only be enough to pay my cell phone bill. How sad. My Dad came over this morning and was talking to me when I was half asleep. I think I was cranky and I feel terrible for that. Through everything, I can still say my Dad is awesome.

  A few days ago I was thinking about how all the stuff with my parents went on a few months ago. When they split up, then my Mom was in the hospital. I was thinking about this day when I felt so shitty and how much someone helped me through it. Not by doing anything, just by being there and talking to me. He was amazing. He truly was.. Is amazing rather.

 Arg. There is a guy that lives in an apartment infront of us. I think he works at Hardee's. I'm almost possitive he's gay. He looks it, seriously. Plus there is always a really gay looking guy thats over there. Hah.. I totally saw a gay guy the other day. He was anything but hot. He pulled up in this really old peopleish car, gets out wearin a tight leather jacket with techno blasting. Ofcourse, the extremely gay looking guy driving didn't help matters. Haha.

 Anyway. Bye Byee.
<3Kimberly

Good.. Bad.. Ugly..? Opinions please.

This whole not working thing is about to drive me nuts. Seriously. I'm not even sick, yet I still have to wait atleast a fuckiiing week before I can work again. Its been a week and i'm about to go insane. Whats the point in me being here with my nothingness when I don't feel ill, look ill, or anything of the sort. Yes, i'm strange for complaining, but its getting pretty boring. I can't stand the fact that others will have to pay my bills, thats not right. I don't really have that many, but it's still a few 100$ worth, this is displeasing. I have way too much time to think. Way way way too much time. My bed has become my bestfriend. Other then my wonderful cell phone ofcourse. Cept my phone kinda scares me when it rings.. For seriously.. I'm more of a text msg kinda lady. Damn, i'ma dork.. Or something that isn't a whales penis. Oops. So. As soon as I can i'm gunna dye my hair.. Either black and pink again or just dye the entire thing pink so maybe it'll go back to blonde? Hmm I dunno.. ??
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